Every relationship has its own ups and downs. If you see a strong, sustainable, happy relationship, it is more often passed the five stages and reached to that level. From the first infatuations to the last firm between two persons, they would have faced lots of ups and downs. There are certain stages which can either break your relationship or make it stronger.
In other words, the stages of a relationship are not linear but cyclical. Even people who reach the fifth and final stage of a relationship – Wholehearted Love will eventually find themselves looping back to Stage 1 to start the process all over again. But they can always find their way back.
Here’s everything you need to know about the five stages of a relationship and what skills couples need to weather in each stage.
Here are the five stages of every relationship and how to navigate each one.
Stage 1: The Merge
The first stage of a relationship is the Merge or the honeymoon phase. It’s the initial, sweeping romance that often consumes a couple when they are first get together, including an all-consuming joy in the presence of partner and insatiable, passionate romantic relationship.
Often people in this stage of a relationship will feel as if they’ve found their “perfect match,” someone who is so similar and compatible with them. They feel they always want to be together, and boundaries often melt away. The two seem to merge together, or at least feel eager to do so.
These emotions often drain out the rational part of our brain. Indeed, research tells us this first stage is marked by biochemical changes in our brain1—a cocktail of hormones that trigger and maintain a state of infatuation, such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins.
This brain glow can often lead us to become “addicted” to our partners and to ignore incompatibilities, red flags, or other issues.
Stage 2: Doubt and Denial
The second stage of a relationship is Doubt and Denial, in which partners finally start to actually notice the differences between them. They wake up from the infatuation phase, finding that the same qualities that once seemed so perfect have begun to annoy them. (His reliability now feels rigid; her generosity seems irresponsible; and his adventurous nature feels like unnecessary risk.)
And unfortunately, friction is natural once they are against each other’s differences. Power struggles increase, and they marvel at the change in the partner. Feelings of love mix with alienation and irritation.
As disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress. Depending on the personality and circumstances, they may want to fight or to withdraw.
Stage 3: Disillusionment
The third stage of a relationship is the Disillusionment stage. This is the winter season of love, one that may feel like the end of the road for some couples. At this point, the power struggles in the relationship have come fully to the surface, the issues the couple have consistently shoved under the rug are now glaringly obvious.
Some people become perpetually vigilant, ready to fly into battle at the slightest provocation. Other couples might quietly move apart over time, putting less and less energy into maintaining the relationship and investing more outside of it.
At this juncture, our original experience of passionate love is often a distant memory. Some couples may not question their commitment; instead, they may see this as a strong message that things need to change.
During the Merge, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, the brain is zeroing in on all the relationship’s deficiencies.
Stage 4: Decision
The fourth stage of a relationship is called the Decision because the couples are at a breaking point. Emotional breakdowns, leaving the house for hours to get away from each other after a fight, and self-protective behaviours are all commonplace.
The partner may feel ready for an enticing new beginning with a new person.
In this stage, they make a decision – whether that’s to leave, to stay and do nothing despite how miserable they are, or to stay and actually work on fixing this relationship.
Stage 5: Wholehearted Love
The fifth stage of a relationship is Wholehearted Love, when the relationship is at its healthiest and most rewarding. Couples experience true individuation, self-discovery, and the acceptance of imperfection in both themselves and their partners, recognising there is no such thing as a “perfect match.”
There’s hard work still involved in this fifth stage of a relationship, but the difference is that couples know how to listen well and lean into uncomfortable conversations without feeling threatened or attacking one another.
In this stage, couples also begin to play together again. They can laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. They even can experience some of the thrilling passion, joys, and of the Merge as each person rediscovers themselves in ways that let them fall in love with each other all over again.